Today, I had a few hours to kill (in retrospect, I'd have rather spent 2 hours killing a newborn baby....but enough about my sexual fantasies) So against my better (not to mention 'Superior') judgement, I ventured to the cinema and mingled with the skinny jean wearing, hip-fuck, uber-smug, laugh-at-anything, gayboy, fucktard, metrosexual crowd to watch 'Box-Office Smash' DEADPOOL
And just like pulling a 50year old 'Ten-to-Twoer' in 'FLARES' nightclub (back in the days when 50+ was considered old) I knew I was going to hate myself in the morning (but minus the crabs)
(Neither Bad, Smart nor Great...but hey, at least they said "ASS" three times?)
As previously mentioned, the crowd there were the usual oxygen thieves (replete with Iphone life-Support, giggles, shouts....In other words, the demographic that I'd gladly stick in Death-camps, should I ever be afforded the luxury of 'World Domination') But (forever the optimist) I figured that:
...Maybe the movie would have nice visuals?
.........Maybe they'd be one (grudgingly) witty line, that I'd never actually own up to enjoying?
.......Maybe some old has-been star would pop up to alleviate the tedium?
.......Something?
.......Anything?
But I made no illusion of the fact that I was in Enemy Territory....I knew why I was there.....So at very least my already low per-conceptions would be proven true and not only could I say "I told YOU so" but also "I told MYSELF so"
And yet somehow, the movie was even more shit than I gave it (dis)credit for?
PROBLEM NUMBER ONE - The (so-called) Humour:
Apparently, I keep reading reviews how this film is so funny, witty and inventive. A 'Game-Changer' apparently....A different kind of superhero (zzzzzz) And the comic-book (that no fucker read, nor gave a fuck about until this movie came out) is as equally as 'Witty', so I can only imagine on how turgid the origins must be, if people find this movie faithful to it's source material?
You see, ever since I developed pubic hair and a (un-mutual) attraction to women.....I no longer laugh, snigger (or guffaw) at dirty words (like 'Fuck' or 'Shit') for the sake of it. I left my enjoyment of such well written dialogue in the playground where they belong. I can only imagine how dense an audience member would have to be to knowingly (physically) let out an audible laugh at any of the dialogue in Deadpool?
The audience (bar one) were in literal stitches by the time Reynolds had uttered the first "FUCK" (and I'm sure it was the same experience at the cinema YOU saw the movie at, also) and although I'm a fan of profanity, it helps if you use it with some kind of substance to back it up. This movie was just an embarrassing catologue of over-repeated swear words, with random words added to them (Cock-Thistle....Shit-Biscuit and other hilarities) but the audience I was sat with, acted like they'd just seen the first man slip on the first banana skin.
(remaining faithful to the cutting edge satire of the comics)
And then when the swearing wasn't enough....The audience (at this point just following the mindset of "Someone says something, therefore it must be funny?") started laughing at the most random of quotes (which was ultra ironic, because it was the one genuine joke that they didn't get) which was TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX namedropping a lot of their back catologue.
The audience I was sat with, literally screamed the place down when Reynolds said "You look like Sigourney Weaver in ALIEN 3" to a bald girl (oh dear!) and they literally bust a gut when (after making several references to said bald girl as Sinead O'Conner) our (oh-so witty) hero shoehorned a final "Nothing Compares to you" retort (and then felt the need to explain who had covered the Prince classic....just in case the demographic didn't get the 'gag' for the fourth time?) Once again the crowd roared.
I was literally wanting someone in the audience to turn their phones on...the usually intrusive light would have been a blessing at this point?
PROBLEM NUMBER TWO - Ryan Reynolds:
Saying Ryan Reynolds *IS* Deadpool, is kind of like saying Britanny Spears *IS* Lucy Wagner (and yes I did look up her character name from the movie CROSSROADS (2002) for a likewise comparative) I mean, who really gives a fuck for either actor or character...Reynolds isn't Laurence Olivier, and Deadpool isn't HAMLET.
(Super-He(t)ro)
I'm sure this expensive ego-stroke of a movie, was solely created to impress Ryan Reynolds 5 or 6 real-life friends....and I hope they all had fun.....but other than that, Reynolds is physically (and mentally) incapable of charm, timing or humour, to make this movie anything more than the smug-fest it set out to be?
And the 'Homophobe-in-me' (a oxymoron far wittier than the entire script of DEADPOOL) can't get past his camp demenour and accent (what I can only describe as 'San Francisco Fag Deluxe') which gave all the profanity the verbal weight of selected out-takes from CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC (1980) .....only less authentic in it's delivery?
Then again...the same generation that enjoy these movies, probably also consider Leonardo DiCaprio an "Intense actor" and BREAKING BAD "Unmissable TV"....But all the same, anyone that considers Ryan Reynolds (at best) "Witty" is all the living 'publicity' I'll ever require for the aforementioned 'Death-Camps' that I'd love to open up.
And also to prove how conceited and ungrateful Reynolds mocks previous franchises he's starred in....Brave talk from a guy who's most successful movie before Deadpool, was set in a box in darkness (and somehow still cost 3 MILLION DOLLARS to make!) And hey, I thought I better mention BURIED (2010) before lantern-jawed hack Quentin Tarantino proclaims it his new favourite film of all time....this week.....and the sheep follow suite?
PROBLEM NUMBER THREE - The Action:
Now the easiest (not to mention, laziest) counter-argument to my many rants and dislikes is the standard cop-out of (quote) "HOW CAN YOU SLAG OFF ANYTHING, GIVEN THAT YOU'RE A LIFELONG FAN OF STEVEN SEAGAL MOVIES?"
Now I could just say "Fuck" or "Shit" and make my escape whilst your sides split at such 'hilarity' (or are these words only funny when Ryan Reynolds spews them out?) but I would remind you that Seagal movies are made by, for and with a sense contempt that finds them in their rightful place in bargain bins around all petrol stations (oh, and Channel 5)
But why in 2016, with all the technology that money could buy, a big-budget studio movie (based on such a cherished comic....that had no lifelong fans until about a fortnight ago) could be so generic in terms of action?
(Deadpool....Dead-Cool....Apparently?)
Apparently DEADPOOL does 'cool' back/front/side flips for no other reason to jazz up his otherwise boring presence. I guess he can't merely run at his enemies..... No, he HAS to do some CGI-assisted balletic spin, to give the whole sorry endevour the 'Trailer Moments' it so desperately needs. Had this not been done by practically EVERY other comic book hero, it's actual irrelevance may have been forgivable?But (sadly)
nothing happens that you haven't seen already in a dozen other 'Multiplex' movies (this year) with the same tired old cartoon-looking explosions, all rendered in loving HD graphics, by a team of computer geeks who couldn't even spell Rick Baker or Rob Bottin (let alone know who they are?)
So you're left with an underwritten lead character, spouting off uninspired swear words, as a weak substitute for humour......and even the actual action...just...sits there? Film-making by (and for) the lowest common denominator....Almost as if COLUMBIA paid FOX to make a smugger, unfunnier superhero movie than HANCOCK (2008) and guess what...They succeeded. And deep down all those laughing, gurning fucking idiots at the cinema know this, but are too far gone in life to want, know or demand anything better from a movie?
(Uncle Burt should have slapped his woefully unfunny nephew)
But the added insult is that DEADPOOL thinks it's different....It thinks it's witty....It thinks it's daring.....And in the age of internet advertising....you can easily convince a few million idiots that the movie is all the above. And it's worked. The movie has taken tons of money, partly due to comic book nerds....but also partly due to people wanting to merely keep up with the Jones', and also a second wave of the curious (myself included) who have been intrigued by it's success. And whilst I'll be the first to admit that I had no human (or extraterrestrial) right to go and see this movie, I (at very least) saw it for the lazy, un-funny, forced would-be-smug fest that it was.....It's the other millions that saw it and enjoyed it that worry me (they fuel my bewilderment and downright hatred of around 98% of this planet)
My outpouring of such opinionated bile towards this movie, is only matched by how fucking DUMB I feel for going to see it in the first place. My SHAME and DISAPPOINTMENT say a lot more above my trust in other people, than it does about the ill-fated cinematic choices I occasionally make, based on the recommendations of otherwise 'intelligent' people.
I'll no doubt be told that 'taste is subjective' and that I should stop moaning just because other people enjoyed a movie that I didn't....But can any of it's supporters actually (hand on heart) say they REALLY enjoyed this movie, or that it was funny or exciting? What I found quite telling, was that FOX (in all their 'Back-Catologue-Name-Dropping) didn't feel the need to reference IDIOCRACY (2006) because that movie perfectly summed up DEADPOOL, and it's fans?
Final Thought For The Day
Question: What's the the one thing worse than going to see a movie that you know you'll hate?
Answer: Witnessing everyone else enjoying such a movie.
And just like pulling a 50year old 'Ten-to-Twoer' in 'FLARES' nightclub (back in the days when 50+ was considered old) I knew I was going to hate myself in the morning (but minus the crabs)
As previously mentioned, the crowd there were the usual oxygen thieves (replete with Iphone life-Support, giggles, shouts....In other words, the demographic that I'd gladly stick in Death-camps, should I ever be afforded the luxury of 'World Domination') But (forever the optimist) I figured that:
...Maybe the movie would have nice visuals?
.........Maybe they'd be one (grudgingly) witty line, that I'd never actually own up to enjoying?
.......Maybe some old has-been star would pop up to alleviate the tedium?
.......Something?
.......Anything?
But I made no illusion of the fact that I was in Enemy Territory....I knew why I was there.....So at very least my already low per-conceptions would be proven true and not only could I say "I told YOU so" but also "I told MYSELF so"
And yet somehow, the movie was even more shit than I gave it (dis)credit for?
PROBLEM NUMBER ONE - The (so-called) Humour:
Apparently, I keep reading reviews how this film is so funny, witty and inventive. A 'Game-Changer' apparently....A different kind of superhero (zzzzzz) And the comic-book (that no fucker read, nor gave a fuck about until this movie came out) is as equally as 'Witty', so I can only imagine on how turgid the origins must be, if people find this movie faithful to it's source material?
You see, ever since I developed pubic hair and a (un-mutual) attraction to women.....I no longer laugh, snigger (or guffaw) at dirty words (like 'Fuck' or 'Shit') for the sake of it. I left my enjoyment of such well written dialogue in the playground where they belong. I can only imagine how dense an audience member would have to be to knowingly (physically) let out an audible laugh at any of the dialogue in Deadpool?
The audience (bar one) were in literal stitches by the time Reynolds had uttered the first "FUCK" (and I'm sure it was the same experience at the cinema YOU saw the movie at, also) and although I'm a fan of profanity, it helps if you use it with some kind of substance to back it up. This movie was just an embarrassing catologue of over-repeated swear words, with random words added to them (Cock-Thistle....Shit-Biscuit and other hilarities) but the audience I was sat with, acted like they'd just seen the first man slip on the first banana skin.
And then when the swearing wasn't enough....The audience (at this point just following the mindset of "Someone says something, therefore it must be funny?") started laughing at the most random of quotes (which was ultra ironic, because it was the one genuine joke that they didn't get) which was TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX namedropping a lot of their back catologue.
The audience I was sat with, literally screamed the place down when Reynolds said "You look like Sigourney Weaver in ALIEN 3" to a bald girl (oh dear!) and they literally bust a gut when (after making several references to said bald girl as Sinead O'Conner) our (oh-so witty) hero shoehorned a final "Nothing Compares to you" retort (and then felt the need to explain who had covered the Prince classic....just in case the demographic didn't get the 'gag' for the fourth time?) Once again the crowd roared.
I was literally wanting someone in the audience to turn their phones on...the usually intrusive light would have been a blessing at this point?
PROBLEM NUMBER TWO - Ryan Reynolds:
Saying Ryan Reynolds *IS* Deadpool, is kind of like saying Britanny Spears *IS* Lucy Wagner (and yes I did look up her character name from the movie CROSSROADS (2002) for a likewise comparative) I mean, who really gives a fuck for either actor or character...Reynolds isn't Laurence Olivier, and Deadpool isn't HAMLET.
(Super-He(t)ro)
I'm sure this expensive ego-stroke of a movie, was solely created to impress Ryan Reynolds 5 or 6 real-life friends....and I hope they all had fun.....but other than that, Reynolds is physically (and mentally) incapable of charm, timing or humour, to make this movie anything more than the smug-fest it set out to be?
And the 'Homophobe-in-me' (a oxymoron far wittier than the entire script of DEADPOOL) can't get past his camp demenour and accent (what I can only describe as 'San Francisco Fag Deluxe') which gave all the profanity the verbal weight of selected out-takes from CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC (1980) .....only less authentic in it's delivery?
Then again...the same generation that enjoy these movies, probably also consider Leonardo DiCaprio an "Intense actor" and BREAKING BAD "Unmissable TV"....But all the same, anyone that considers Ryan Reynolds (at best) "Witty" is all the living 'publicity' I'll ever require for the aforementioned 'Death-Camps' that I'd love to open up.
And also to prove how conceited and ungrateful Reynolds mocks previous franchises he's starred in....Brave talk from a guy who's most successful movie before Deadpool, was set in a box in darkness (and somehow still cost 3 MILLION DOLLARS to make!) And hey, I thought I better mention BURIED (2010) before lantern-jawed hack Quentin Tarantino proclaims it his new favourite film of all time....this week.....and the sheep follow suite?
PROBLEM NUMBER THREE - The Action:
Now the easiest (not to mention, laziest) counter-argument to my many rants and dislikes is the standard cop-out of (quote) "HOW CAN YOU SLAG OFF ANYTHING, GIVEN THAT YOU'RE A LIFELONG FAN OF STEVEN SEAGAL MOVIES?"
Now I could just say "Fuck" or "Shit" and make my escape whilst your sides split at such 'hilarity' (or are these words only funny when Ryan Reynolds spews them out?) but I would remind you that Seagal movies are made by, for and with a sense contempt that finds them in their rightful place in bargain bins around all petrol stations (oh, and Channel 5)
But why in 2016, with all the technology that money could buy, a big-budget studio movie (based on such a cherished comic....that had no lifelong fans until about a fortnight ago) could be so generic in terms of action?
(Deadpool....Dead-Cool....Apparently?)
Apparently DEADPOOL does 'cool' back/front/side flips for no other reason to jazz up his otherwise boring presence. I guess he can't merely run at his enemies..... No, he HAS to do some CGI-assisted balletic spin, to give the whole sorry endevour the 'Trailer Moments' it so desperately needs. Had this not been done by practically EVERY other comic book hero, it's actual irrelevance may have been forgivable?But (sadly)
nothing happens that you haven't seen already in a dozen other 'Multiplex' movies (this year) with the same tired old cartoon-looking explosions, all rendered in loving HD graphics, by a team of computer geeks who couldn't even spell Rick Baker or Rob Bottin (let alone know who they are?)
So you're left with an underwritten lead character, spouting off uninspired swear words, as a weak substitute for humour......and even the actual action...just...sits there? Film-making by (and for) the lowest common denominator....Almost as if COLUMBIA paid FOX to make a smugger, unfunnier superhero movie than HANCOCK (2008) and guess what...They succeeded. And deep down all those laughing, gurning fucking idiots at the cinema know this, but are too far gone in life to want, know or demand anything better from a movie?
But the added insult is that DEADPOOL thinks it's different....It thinks it's witty....It thinks it's daring.....And in the age of internet advertising....you can easily convince a few million idiots that the movie is all the above. And it's worked. The movie has taken tons of money, partly due to comic book nerds....but also partly due to people wanting to merely keep up with the Jones', and also a second wave of the curious (myself included) who have been intrigued by it's success. And whilst I'll be the first to admit that I had no human (or extraterrestrial) right to go and see this movie, I (at very least) saw it for the lazy, un-funny, forced would-be-smug fest that it was.....It's the other millions that saw it and enjoyed it that worry me (they fuel my bewilderment and downright hatred of around 98% of this planet)
My outpouring of such opinionated bile towards this movie, is only matched by how fucking DUMB I feel for going to see it in the first place. My SHAME and DISAPPOINTMENT say a lot more above my trust in other people, than it does about the ill-fated cinematic choices I occasionally make, based on the recommendations of otherwise 'intelligent' people.
I'll no doubt be told that 'taste is subjective' and that I should stop moaning just because other people enjoyed a movie that I didn't....But can any of it's supporters actually (hand on heart) say they REALLY enjoyed this movie, or that it was funny or exciting? What I found quite telling, was that FOX (in all their 'Back-Catologue-Name-Dropping) didn't feel the need to reference IDIOCRACY (2006) because that movie perfectly summed up DEADPOOL, and it's fans?
Final Thought For The Day
Question: What's the the one thing worse than going to see a movie that you know you'll hate?
Answer: Witnessing everyone else enjoying such a movie.
