Last year, I misread the trade ads and assumed that 'Man Who Steals' (was a Quentin Tarantino biopic)
Friday 1pm (21st June 2013) I walked into my local Cineworld to see the latest Superman movie. At around 4pm, I staggered out of the cinema with my head held in shame. How could this happen?.....I loved WATCHMEN and enjoyed SUCKER PUNCH, so you'd think (being a lifelong Superman fan) that I'd enjoy Zack Snyder's latest comic caper?
Friday 1pm (21st June 2013) I walked into my local Cineworld to see the latest Superman movie. At around 4pm, I staggered out of the cinema with my head held in shame. How could this happen?.....I loved WATCHMEN and enjoyed SUCKER PUNCH, so you'd think (being a lifelong Superman fan) that I'd enjoy Zack Snyder's latest comic caper?
Opening on Planet Krypton (not any old planet Krypton, I might add) But an AVATAR knock-off, filled with the most pointless hi-tech gadgetry this side of the STAR WARS prequels. Rather than add a touch of originality, mystery and grandiose to it's set design (just look at John Barry's stunning creations in the 1978 version) this movie opts for squeaky clean CGI which set alarm bells ringing in my head . Jor-El (Russell Crowe) is bitching about the imminent destruction of Krypton to the powers that be. And given that he's a lousy actor in real-life (incapable of anything remotely interesting since 1992's ROMPER STOMPER) it's hardly surprising then, that they tell him to stick his prophecy up his Australian arse.
(Krypton) (Crapped-On)
In the middle of this council meeting, storms an angry 'General Zod' (Michael Shannon) who attempts to take siege of the dying planet (and actually has rational reasons for wanting to, making his character less the villain, in my eyes) However, Zod wants to be in charge of the new master race of Kryptonians, and a scuffle breaks out (leading to some rather amusing 'Crowe-Fu') resulting in Super-Dad Jor-El hopping onto a flying serpent (probably a left-over from the 'Harry Potter' franchise?) and getting the fuck outta' dodge to defend his wife and child from Zod's advancing army. Kryptonians can only reproduce using genetic technology. And in (an almost-Seagal-Like) self-congratulatory plot twist, Russell Crowe is the only man on the planet who can still 'get it up' and has managed to rear a child the old-fashioned way (well...'old-fashioned' to ME anyhow)
(Wardrobe Malfunction)
More CGI battles commence (and 20 minutes in, this shit is getting old ....and sadly there's another 130 minutes to go) But Jor-El manages to pack his son (Kal-El) off to planet Earth (armed only with a superman-signet shaped USB memory stick) Before Zod (thankfuly) puts Russell Crowe out of my misery (sadly though, it's not the last we see of him) Zod is captured by the Kryptonian council, and vows to take revenge on the son of Jor-El.
And Despite Krypton being on the brink of destruction, it's council still find time to hold a trial for Zod and his cohorts (Plot hole #62) and they banish him to the 'Phantom Zone'.And you're shit out of luck, if you're expecting to see that cool mirrored sheet prison.Because instead they are coated in CGI gel and placed in (I shit thee not) PENIS-SHAPED rockets that are fired into a huge space-station. Whilst I'm ripping this movie a new arsehole, I might as well point out that it seems highly illogical to send convicted criminals into the safety of space, whilst leaving millions of innocent Kryptonians on a planet that's minutes away from destruction?
And Despite Krypton being on the brink of destruction, it's council still find time to hold a trial for Zod and his cohorts (Plot hole #62) and they banish him to the 'Phantom Zone'.And you're shit out of luck, if you're expecting to see that cool mirrored sheet prison.Because instead they are coated in CGI gel and placed in (I shit thee not) PENIS-SHAPED rockets that are fired into a huge space-station. Whilst I'm ripping this movie a new arsehole, I might as well point out that it seems highly illogical to send convicted criminals into the safety of space, whilst leaving millions of innocent Kryptonians on a planet that's minutes away from destruction?
At this point, it's hard to continue with a coherent review, due to the fact that the plot jumps in and out of flashbacks, showing Kal-El (now called Clark Kent) mope around drenched in that faggotty 'Twilight' feel-my-pain angst, whilst searching for his true purpose in life...leading to pointless flashbacks and flash-forwards, all of which could/should have happened in sequence (Tarantino uses this technique a lot, and people think it's oh-so-fucking-clever......Sadly it's to mask his inability as a film-maker to tell a semi-coherent story...If only Hollywood would pull it's tongue out of that lantern-jawed-hack's arse, he might actually make a decent film, one millenium?)
(Leave it Kev....Jim'll Fix It)
And all these flashbacks illustrate what we already know,,,that Ka-El has been found on Earth and adopted by Kevin Costner (easily the best thing in this wretched movie) and Diane Lane (annoying ex-Mrs Christopher Lambert) In fact the only scenes of genuine warmth and emotion, come from the scenes with young Supes and his Earth Father.
(The Simon Weston cameo served little purpose)
Anyhow, after 33 years on planet earth (and what felt like another 50 years in the cinema) Clarke is now grown up, and resembles *that* guy who was in *that* movie with Bruce Willis last year (take your pick, he made about 66 of the fuckers...all shite) and just when you think he's gonna get all Super-Man on yo' ass, we are treat to more self-recriminating (emo-like) flashbacks (think INTO THE WILD, but with a shit lead actor and no poisonous mushrooms in sight)
During his odyssey, Clark gets a job at a truck stop diner in the Canadian rockies, and one day secretly overhears some military types (in full uniform, no less) discussing a (top-secret, no less) recently unearthed UFO that they're excavating (as you fucking would, in a bar full of rednecks, no less) Clarke guesses this could be linked to his heritage, he sets off into the snowy wilds. Oh yeah, and as luck would have it, Lois Lane has also been invited to the excavation (great way to keep an operation top secret guys...invite a fucking reporter!)
("97....98...99...100...I'm coming...Ready or not")
Proving that the words 'American' and 'Defence' rarely go hand in hand, Clark walks right into the high security area, but is spotted by Lois. She follows after him (without being stopped once) and they both board the spacecraft. It turns out that Russell Crowe sent the ship 30, 000 years previously (at this point I started checking other peoples watches for the time) and equipped it with the relevant 'hard-drive' to accommodate Clarks 'Super-USB-dongle' I'm surprised the 'S' doesn't stand for SONY (given that this movie is chock full of product placement?)
(It's a Turd...It's a Pain...No, it's Supermong!)
After saving Lois from the ships over-protective floating android (don't ask) Clark patches her up with his 'heat-vision' and announces that (quote) "I can do lot's of things that humans can't" (hardly David Mamet, is it?) Clarke leaves the (not-so) feisty reporter in the snow (to presumably die of hypothermia?) and fucks off on this Kryptonian mother ship, talking to a hologram of Russell Crowe (oh dear!) and trying on (the highly modified) Red and blue costume (where's the fucking underpants you Warner Brothers arseholes?) What follows is a sickening montage of Superman learning to fly, that might have seemed twee, had the same montage been used in every fucking super-hero flick since Spiderman. But hey, at least we get to see some more exploding rocks.
(Cilla Black) (Perry White)
Lois (sadly still alive) heads back to Metropolis to report her findings to 'Daily Planet'
boss Perry White (an underused Lawrence Fishburne) and the irony of a 'Black' actor playing a character named
'White' didn't escape me (nor probably Spike Lee either)
Perry smells a rat, because the military top-brass have completely fled the scene of the mothership.
Perry smells a rat, because the military top-brass have completely fled the scene of the mothership.
Anyhow, so far, so shit.
("We've only got three more flashbacks to film....then it's off to the Jobcentre for us two")
You'd expect that after such a lethargic, long-winded opening, that we're now going to see Superman save a cat from a tree.....Stop a few burglars.....or at very least, use all his powers to get Guinness back to £1.99 a pint in Lloyds, Middlesbrough?.......But fuck no! This is (quote) 'A New Kind Of Superman' so there's still several more flashbacks rather than any legitimate action. Anyhow, things look up a little as General Zod escapes his 'Phantom Zone' and heads to Earth, and wastes little time in hacking into every portable media device around the globe (cue, some lovely close-up 'product placement') The General demands that the earth hands over superman to him, or face genocide. Rather than build on any of this tension.....we are still treat to more pointless flashbacks to Superman's childhood (wtf?)
(Available in 128MB & 512MB, perfect for movie fans requiring little memory)
Given that this movie is called 'Man Of Steel'....Superman promptly shits his jumpsuit and surrenders (how pathetic!) and is forced to take Lois with him to Zod's space station. Apparently the 'Mong Of Steel' has become so used to the earths atmosphere, that he loses all his powers once aboard Zod's ship. It transpires that Zod want's to repopulate Earth with Kryptonians (wiping out mankind first) and holds a powerless Superman in space, whilst he heads back to earth for a spot of friendly genocide. Although unbeknownst to Zods cohorts, Superman has given Lois his Super-USB dongle, and she uses it to ressurect more holographic Russell Crowe (oh-the-fucking-joy!) as he guides both our intepid heroes back to earth to face Zod for a battle royal.
(Oh look, destroyed buildings...There's a one-off)
And if all before it, lacked rhythm or reason....the expected battle scenes between Superman and the Kryptonian bad-gays suck even more gayballs, by reducing what could have been spectacular, to mere shaky-cam (Transformers-lite) CGI rubble-fest. Even the FX in the 78 version are far more revolutionary for their time. Once you've seen 463 buildings blow up (brick by detailed brick) you've pretty much seen them all. And this sort of shit get's very tiresome quickly. At least in SUPERMAN 2, despite the flaws in FX, you could make out the action. In 'Mong Of Steel' everything moves at lightning fast 360 degree angles in (blink and you miss them) edits, which cheats the audience out of actually seeing the action. And so it follows that Zod get's thrown through a building....then Superman....then Zod....then Superman....then Zod.....then Superman....then Zod (zzzzzzzzz!) and for good measure, an old-age Diane Lane get's thrown about 30 feet in the air, only to be walking around (unharmed) in the next scene.
("Oh what an atmosphere...I love a planet with a lack of atmosphere!")
Zod starts altering the Earths gravity with (what scientists like to call) a huge fuck-off laser. Superman tries to approach the beam, but the Kryptonian elements weaken his super powers (I guess he took his own mothership to CEX whilst the trade-in prices were high?) Just as things look grim (and I don't mean the embarrassed look on Lawrence Fishburne's face) Good old 'Mong Of Steel' summons up the strength to fly into Zods laser (which sort of contradicts it's own logic?) and destroy the Generals chance of world domination. Finally getting the drop on Zod (who can't even muster the strength to kill a few people with his heat vision) Supermong has no other option to get all Seagal-like on the Terrence Stamp wannabe, and gives his windpipe the 'Rodney King Workout'
(Two examples of how show a fight scene, without having to hire Michael J Fox as D.O.P)
Now I'm all for broken necks and death (and kinky shit) but Superman actually killing someone (however bad) is just plain wrong, and one liberty too many with the Superman ethos. It wouldn't have been half as bad, if Zod had been potrayed as an all-out bastard (but the film-makers wimped out on that one also, and give him reasons and shit) It's also illogical, given that both men have punched each other senseless (with little damage) but Superman breaks his neck like a mere mortal would.
(Two things Superman should never do: Cry like a bitch & break necks)
Like the movie itself, it's hard to give a coherent synopsis for such a fragmented storyline. The first hour (despite lengthy CGI battles) is deathly dull. And by the time Supes and Zod finally square off, it's filmed so shoddy that the whole sorry affair seems anti-climactic.There's little sense of wonder or excitement to proceedings. It's merely an excuse for art-less computer geeks to try out a new software package (with the occasional actor thrown in now and then) Ironic then, that the (expected) game console tie-ins, will probably have better graphics than the movie, they're adapted from?
(Lois Lane) (Madge from 'Neighbours')
And if all before it, lacked rhythm or reason....the expected battle scenes between Superman and the Kryptonian bad-gays suck even more gayballs, by reducing what could have been spectacular, to mere shaky-cam (Transformers-lite) CGI rubble-fest. Even the FX in the 78 version are far more revolutionary for their time. Once you've seen 463 buildings blow up (brick by detailed brick) you've pretty much seen them all. And this sort of shit get's very tiresome quickly. At least in SUPERMAN 2, despite the flaws in FX, you could make out the action. In 'Mong Of Steel' everything moves at lightning fast 360 degree angles in (blink and you miss them) edits, which cheats the audience out of actually seeing the action. And so it follows that Zod get's thrown through a building....then Superman....then Zod....then Superman....then Zod.....then Superman....then Zod (zzzzzzzzz!) and for good measure, an old-age Diane Lane get's thrown about 30 feet in the air, only to be walking around (unharmed) in the next scene.
Zod starts altering the Earths gravity with (what scientists like to call) a huge fuck-off laser. Superman tries to approach the beam, but the Kryptonian elements weaken his super powers (I guess he took his own mothership to CEX whilst the trade-in prices were high?) Just as things look grim (and I don't mean the embarrassed look on Lawrence Fishburne's face) Good old 'Mong Of Steel' summons up the strength to fly into Zods laser (which sort of contradicts it's own logic?) and destroy the Generals chance of world domination. Finally getting the drop on Zod (who can't even muster the strength to kill a few people with his heat vision) Supermong has no other option to get all Seagal-like on the Terrence Stamp wannabe, and gives his windpipe the 'Rodney King Workout'
Now I'm all for broken necks and death (and kinky shit) but Superman actually killing someone (however bad) is just plain wrong, and one liberty too many with the Superman ethos. It wouldn't have been half as bad, if Zod had been potrayed as an all-out bastard (but the film-makers wimped out on that one also, and give him reasons and shit) It's also illogical, given that both men have punched each other senseless (with little damage) but Superman breaks his neck like a mere mortal would.
Like the movie itself, it's hard to give a coherent synopsis for such a fragmented storyline. The first hour (despite lengthy CGI battles) is deathly dull. And by the time Supes and Zod finally square off, it's filmed so shoddy that the whole sorry affair seems anti-climactic.There's little sense of wonder or excitement to proceedings. It's merely an excuse for art-less computer geeks to try out a new software package (with the occasional actor thrown in now and then) Ironic then, that the (expected) game console tie-ins, will probably have better graphics than the movie, they're adapted from?
Performance wise, only Costner walks away from this with his reputation intact (although I'd love to have seen his face, when he got the casting call for the new Superman movie....only to be told he'd be playing his dad!) Joking aside, the movie would have been greatly improved had Costner took on the title role, and played an older Superman.
(Superman) (Supermong)
Henry Cavill resembles the bastard love-child of (a straight) John Travolta and Jason Patric (but with better hair than either sibling) He has the perfect range to play an alien (i.e, not one iota of emotion) but still manages to fuck it up. He is also prone to pulling silly 'fuck-faces' during flying sequences (and why scream like a little bitch once, when four times will do the trick) Delivering his insipid dialogue with all the sincerity of a coffee-shop-manger (Christopher Reeve's decaying bones would have given a livelier performance)
(Dad Of Steel ) (Glad Of Meal)
Russell Crowe still sounds Australian, and is probably under the misguided impression that he'll be likened to Marlon Brando (if so, he needs to catch the nearest bus to 'Getthefuckouttahere Street') The only thing he got right in the movie, was dying early on....Yet he still kept popping up!. This guy should be the highest paid actor *not* to appear in movies. He portrays an alien from a fictional planet, and guess what....HE STILL FUCKS THE ACCENT UP !!!
He should be sent back to Britain's biggest open prison (i.e, Australia) ....and then shot!
(Zod) (Sod)
He should be sent back to Britain's biggest open prison (i.e, Australia) ....and then shot!
Michael Shannon (for all the 'Studio-Hype' and internet geek fan-fawning) comes nowhere near to matching Terrence Stamp as General Zod. The naff costume, haircut and dialogue don't help his character either. Zod is meant to be petulant and arrogant (that's his strength and what makes him such a hissable villian) instead Snyder tries to rationalize his motives, before veering off into predictable 'shouty' WWE histrionics. And (whilst we're at it) he's also an ugly Bastard!
Which brings me to the current trend (as with the likewise shite 'Nolan Batman Trilogy') as referring to these recent re-boots as 'Dark' In no way (shape or form) are these movies 'dark'.....They're about as dark as (a seamen-covered) Vanilla Ice working in a milk factory in Alaska (see above pic, for proof) If anything these recent 'dark re-imaginations' are a lot lamer than their earlier counterparts. Look at the two Richard Donner movies: Lex Luther for all his kooky excess, is not beyond murdering cops who trespass on his lair *and* General Zod gladly murders children and takes pleasure in shooting White-House staff with their own weapons (yet apparently these movies are seen as campy and dated?) The first 2 movies had a knowing cynicism and hard edge (that appealed to both children and adults) that seems to be missing in this movie. Maybe the film-makers don't trust their audience enough?
It breaks my heart that WATCHMEN (a genuine dark, thinking-mans movie) under-performed at the box-office, despite having the same director and working from the excellent established source material. Mong Of Steel was written by the guy responsible for writing DOLLMAN VS DEMONIC TOYS
If anything, 'Mong Of Steel' has helped me to appreciate 2006's SUPERMAN RETURNS. For all it's faults (and there's many) at least it kept Superman the way he should be...Virtuous, decent, romantic, heroic (and not some fucking hairy chested Johnny Knoxville-looking hypocritical Starbucks employee) I shudder to think how bad subsequent Superman movies will have to get, before I ever appreciate Mong Of Steel?
Better to just re-release the first 2 Superman movies, thus forcing children to put down their fucking I-pads and watch movies that are (gasp!) 30+ years old (in a fucking cinema, with no fucking toilets and no fucking mobile phones allowed) It's sad to think that despite being born into so much technology, today's youngsters turn up their pierced noses at stuff, dare it be out-to-date. By and large, the majority of kids nowadays are nothing but little I-phone having, over-sensitive, metrosexual, gayly dressed, Call Of Duty playing, getting more trim than me, X factor voting motherfuckers (who say shit like "So-last-week".....whilst watching 'Catch-Up-TV')
You spend 75 years building up a huge character with it's own unique look, history and rules....only to completely re-vamp and change everything about it just to please little brats, who'll probably claim the movie is dated in 2 years time anyhow' (same goes with the Bond Franchise also......royally fucked!)
After such a long-winded (and badly punctuated) critique, trust Harry Callahan to sum up my feelings with a simple sentence:
Rant Over.
After such a long-winded (and badly punctuated) critique, trust Harry Callahan to sum up my feelings with a simple sentence:
Rant Over.
