DEADPOOL (2016) and the slow, agonizing death of cinema

Today, I had a few hours to kill (in retrospect, I'd have rather spent 2 hours killing a newborn baby....but enough about my sexual fantasies) So against my better (not to mention 'Superior') judgement, I ventured to the cinema and mingled with the skinny jean wearing, hip-fuck, uber-smug, laugh-at-anything, gayboy, fucktard, metrosexual crowd to watch 'Box-Office Smash' DEADPOOL

And just like pulling a 50year old 'Ten-to-Twoer' in 'FLARES' nightclub (back in the days when 50+ was considered old) I knew I was going to hate myself in the morning (but minus the crabs)

(Neither Bad, Smart nor Great...but hey, at least they said "ASS" three times?)


As previously mentioned, the crowd there were the usual oxygen thieves (replete with Iphone life-Support, giggles, shouts....In other words, the demographic that I'd gladly stick in Death-camps, should I ever be afforded the luxury of 'World Domination') But (forever the optimist) I figured that:

...Maybe the movie would have nice visuals?

.........Maybe they'd be one (grudgingly) witty line, that I'd never actually own up to enjoying?

.......Maybe some old has-been star would pop up to alleviate the tedium?

.......Something?

 .......Anything?

But I made no illusion of the fact that I was in Enemy Territory....I knew why I was there.....So at very least my already low per-conceptions would be proven true and not only could I say "I told YOU so" but also "I told MYSELF so"

And yet somehow, the movie was even more shit than I gave it (dis)credit for?


PROBLEM NUMBER ONE - The (so-called) Humour:

Apparently, I keep reading reviews how this film is so funny, witty and inventive. A 'Game-Changer' apparently....A different kind of superhero (zzzzzz) And the comic-book (that no fucker read, nor gave a fuck about until this movie came out) is as equally as 'Witty', so I can only imagine on how turgid the origins must be, if people find this movie faithful to it's source material?

You see, ever since I developed pubic hair and a (un-mutual) attraction to women.....I no longer laugh, snigger (or guffaw) at dirty words (like 'Fuck' or 'Shit') for the sake of it. I left my enjoyment of such well written dialogue in the playground where they belong. I can only imagine how dense an audience member would have to be to knowingly (physically) let out an audible laugh at any of the dialogue in Deadpool?

The audience (bar one) were in literal stitches by the time Reynolds had uttered the first "FUCK" (and I'm sure it was the same experience at the cinema YOU saw the movie at, also) and although I'm a fan of profanity, it helps if you use it with some kind of substance to back it up. This movie was just an embarrassing catologue of over-repeated swear words, with random words added to them (Cock-Thistle....Shit-Biscuit and other hilarities) but the audience I was sat with, acted like they'd just seen the first man slip on the first banana skin.

(remaining faithful to the cutting edge satire of the comics)

And then when the swearing wasn't enough....The audience (at this point just following the mindset of "Someone says something, therefore it must be funny?") started laughing at the most random of quotes (which was ultra ironic, because it was the one genuine joke that they didn't get) which was TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX namedropping a lot of their back catologue.
The audience I was sat with, literally screamed the place down when Reynolds said "You look like Sigourney Weaver in ALIEN 3" to a bald girl (oh dear!) and they literally bust a gut when (after making several references to said bald girl as Sinead O'Conner) our (oh-so witty) hero shoehorned a final "Nothing Compares to you" retort (and then felt the need to explain who had covered the Prince classic....just in case the demographic didn't get the 'gag' for the fourth time?) Once again the crowd roared.

I was literally wanting someone in the audience to turn their phones on...the usually intrusive light would have been a blessing at this point?


PROBLEM NUMBER TWO - Ryan Reynolds:

Saying Ryan Reynolds *IS* Deadpool, is kind of like saying Britanny Spears *IS* Lucy Wagner (and yes I did look up her character name from the movie CROSSROADS (2002) for a likewise comparative)  I mean, who really gives a fuck for either actor or character...Reynolds isn't Laurence Olivier, and Deadpool isn't HAMLET.


(Super-He(t)ro)

I'm sure this expensive ego-stroke of a movie, was solely created to impress Ryan Reynolds 5 or 6 real-life friends....and I hope they all had fun.....but other than that, Reynolds is physically (and mentally) incapable of charm, timing or humour, to make this movie anything more than the smug-fest it set out to be?
And the 'Homophobe-in-me' (a oxymoron far wittier than the entire script of DEADPOOL) can't get past his camp demenour and accent (what I can only describe as 'San Francisco Fag Deluxe') which gave all the profanity the verbal weight of selected out-takes from CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC (1980) .....only less authentic in it's delivery?
Then again...the same generation that enjoy these movies, probably also consider Leonardo DiCaprio an "Intense actor" and BREAKING BAD "Unmissable TV"....But all the same, anyone that considers Ryan Reynolds (at best) "Witty" is all the living 'publicity' I'll ever require for the aforementioned 'Death-Camps' that I'd love to open up.
And also to prove how conceited and ungrateful Reynolds mocks previous franchises he's starred in....Brave talk from a guy who's most successful movie before Deadpool, was set in a box in darkness (and somehow still cost 3 MILLION DOLLARS to make!) And hey, I thought I better mention BURIED (2010) before lantern-jawed hack Quentin Tarantino proclaims it his new favourite film of all time....this week.....and the sheep follow suite?

PROBLEM NUMBER THREE - The Action:

Now the easiest (not to mention, laziest) counter-argument to my many rants and dislikes is the standard cop-out of (quote) "HOW CAN YOU SLAG OFF ANYTHING, GIVEN THAT YOU'RE A  LIFELONG FAN OF STEVEN SEAGAL MOVIES?"
Now I could just say "Fuck" or "Shit" and make my escape whilst your sides split at such 'hilarity' (or are these words only funny when Ryan Reynolds spews them out?) but I would remind you that Seagal movies are made by, for and with a sense contempt that finds them in their rightful place in bargain bins around  all petrol stations (oh, and Channel 5)

But why in 2016, with all the technology that money could buy, a big-budget studio movie (based on such a cherished comic....that had no lifelong fans until about a fortnight ago) could be so generic in terms of action?


(Deadpool....Dead-Cool....Apparently?)

Apparently DEADPOOL does 'cool' back/front/side flips for no other reason to jazz up his otherwise boring presence. I guess he can't merely run at his enemies..... No, he HAS to do some CGI-assisted balletic spin, to give the whole sorry endevour the 'Trailer Moments' it so desperately needs. Had this not been done by practically EVERY other comic book hero, it's actual irrelevance may have been forgivable?But (sadly)
nothing happens that you haven't seen already in a dozen other 'Multiplex' movies (this year) with the same tired old cartoon-looking explosions, all rendered in loving HD graphics, by a team of computer geeks who couldn't even spell Rick Baker or Rob Bottin (let alone know who they are?)

So you're left with an underwritten lead character, spouting off uninspired swear words, as a weak substitute for humour......and even the actual action...just...sits there? Film-making by (and for) the lowest common denominator....Almost as if COLUMBIA paid FOX to make a smugger, unfunnier superhero movie than HANCOCK (2008) and guess what...They succeeded. And deep down all those laughing, gurning fucking idiots at the cinema know this, but are too far gone in life to want, know or demand anything better from a movie?

(Uncle Burt should have slapped his woefully unfunny nephew)

But the added insult is that DEADPOOL thinks it's different....It thinks it's witty....It thinks it's daring.....And in the age of internet advertising....you can easily convince a few million idiots that the movie is all the above. And it's worked. The movie has taken tons of money, partly due to comic book nerds....but also partly due to people wanting to merely keep up with the Jones', and also a second wave of the curious (myself included) who have been intrigued by it's success. And whilst I'll be the first to admit that I had no human (or extraterrestrial) right to go and see this movie, I (at very least) saw it for the lazy, un-funny, forced would-be-smug fest that it was.....It's the other millions that saw it and enjoyed it that worry me (they fuel my bewilderment and downright hatred of around 98% of this planet)
My outpouring of such opinionated bile towards this movie, is only matched by how fucking DUMB I feel for going to see it in the first place. My SHAME and DISAPPOINTMENT say a lot more above my trust in other people, than it does about the ill-fated cinematic choices I occasionally make, based on the recommendations of otherwise 'intelligent' people.

I'll no doubt be told that 'taste is subjective'  and that I should stop moaning just because other people enjoyed a movie that I didn't....But can any of it's supporters actually (hand on heart) say they REALLY enjoyed this movie, or that it was funny or exciting? What I found quite telling, was that FOX (in all their 'Back-Catologue-Name-Dropping) didn't feel the need to reference IDIOCRACY (2006) because that movie perfectly summed up DEADPOOL, and it's fans?

Final Thought For The Day
Question: What's the the one thing worse than going to see a movie that you know you'll hate?




Answer: Witnessing everyone else enjoying such a movie.

Mong Of Steel (2013)

Last year, I misread the trade ads and assumed that 'Man Who Steals' (was a Quentin Tarantino biopic) 

Friday 1pm (21st June 2013) I walked into my local Cineworld to see the latest Superman movie. At around 4pm, I staggered out of the cinema with my head held in shame. How could this happen?.....I loved WATCHMEN and enjoyed SUCKER PUNCH, so you'd think (being a lifelong Superman fan) that I'd enjoy Zack Snyder's latest comic caper? 

Opening on Planet Krypton (not any old planet Krypton, I might add) But an AVATAR knock-off, filled with the most pointless hi-tech gadgetry this side of the STAR WARS prequels. Rather than add a touch of originality, mystery and grandiose to it's set design (just look at John Barry's stunning creations in the 1978 version) this movie opts for squeaky clean CGI which set alarm bells ringing in my head . Jor-El (Russell Crowe) is bitching about the imminent destruction of Krypton to the powers that be. And given that he's a lousy actor in real-life (incapable of anything remotely interesting since 1992's ROMPER STOMPER) it's hardly surprising then, that they tell him to stick his prophecy up his Australian arse.

 (Krypton)                                (Crapped-On)

In the middle of this council meeting, storms an angry 'General Zod' (Michael Shannon) who attempts to take siege of the dying planet (and actually has rational reasons for wanting to, making his character less the villain, in my eyes) However, Zod wants to be in charge of the new master race of Kryptonians, and a scuffle breaks out (leading to some rather amusing 'Crowe-Fu') resulting in Super-Dad Jor-El hopping onto a flying serpent (probably a left-over from the 'Harry Potter' franchise?) and getting the fuck outta' dodge to defend his wife and child from Zod's advancing army. Kryptonians can only reproduce using genetic technology. And in (an almost-Seagal-Like) self-congratulatory plot twist, Russell Crowe is the only man on the planet who can still 'get it up' and has managed to rear a child the old-fashioned way (well...'old-fashioned' to ME anyhow)

 (Wardrobe Malfunction)

More CGI battles commence (and 20 minutes in, this shit is getting old ....and sadly there's another 130 minutes to go) But Jor-El manages to pack his son (Kal-El) off to planet Earth (armed only with a superman-signet shaped USB memory stick) Before Zod (thankfuly) puts Russell Crowe out of my misery (sadly though, it's not the last we see of him) Zod is captured by the Kryptonian council, and vows to take revenge on the son of Jor-El.
 And Despite Krypton being on the brink of destruction, it's council still find time to hold a trial for Zod and his cohorts (Plot hole #62) and they banish him to the 'Phantom Zone'.And you're shit out of luck, if you're expecting to see that cool mirrored sheet prison.Because instead they are coated in CGI gel and placed in (I shit thee not) PENIS-SHAPED rockets that are fired into a huge space-station. Whilst I'm ripping this movie a new arsehole, I might as well point out that it seems highly illogical to send convicted criminals into the safety of space, whilst leaving millions of  innocent Kryptonians on a planet that's minutes away from destruction?

 (The only 'Thumbs-Up' this movie is getting!)

At this point, it's hard to continue with a coherent review, due to the fact that the plot jumps in and out of flashbacks, showing Kal-El (now called Clark Kent) mope around drenched in that faggotty 'Twilight' feel-my-pain angst, whilst searching for his true purpose in life...leading to pointless flashbacks and flash-forwards, all of which could/should have happened in sequence (Tarantino uses this technique a lot, and people think it's oh-so-fucking-clever......Sadly it's  to mask his inability as a film-maker to tell a semi-coherent story...If only Hollywood would pull it's tongue out of that lantern-jawed-hack's arse, he might actually make a decent film, one millenium?)

 (Leave it Kev....Jim'll Fix It)

And all these flashbacks illustrate what we already know,,,that Ka-El has been found on Earth and adopted by Kevin Costner (easily the best thing in this wretched movie) and Diane Lane (annoying ex-Mrs Christopher Lambert) In fact the only scenes of genuine warmth and emotion, come from the scenes with young Supes and his Earth Father.

(The Simon Weston cameo served little purpose)

Anyhow, after 33 years on planet earth (and what felt like another 50 years in the cinema) Clarke is now grown up, and resembles *that* guy who was in *that* movie with Bruce Willis last year (take your pick, he made about 66 of the fuckers...all shite) and just when you think he's gonna get all Super-Man on yo' ass, we are treat to more self-recriminating (emo-like) flashbacks (think INTO THE WILD, but with a shit lead actor and no poisonous mushrooms in sight)

During his odyssey, Clark gets a job at a truck stop diner in the Canadian rockies, and one day secretly overhears some military types (in full uniform, no less) discussing a (top-secret, no less) recently unearthed UFO that they're excavating (as you fucking would, in a bar full of rednecks, no less)  Clarke guesses this could be linked to his heritage, he sets off into the snowy wilds. Oh yeah, and as luck would have it, Lois Lane has also been invited to the excavation (great way to keep an operation top secret guys...invite a fucking reporter!)

 ("97....98...99...100...I'm coming...Ready or not")

Proving that the words 'American' and 'Defence' rarely go hand in hand, Clark walks right into the high security area, but is spotted by Lois. She follows after him (without being stopped once) and they both board the spacecraft. It turns out that Russell Crowe sent the ship 30, 000 years previously (at this point I started checking other peoples watches for the time) and equipped it with the relevant 'hard-drive' to accommodate Clarks 'Super-USB-dongle'  I'm surprised the 'S' doesn't stand for SONY (given that this movie is chock full of product placement?)

(It's a Turd...It's a Pain...No, it's Supermong!)

After saving Lois from the ships over-protective floating android (don't ask) Clark patches her up with his 'heat-vision' and announces that (quote)  "I can do lot's of things that humans can't" (hardly David Mamet, is it?) Clarke leaves the (not-so) feisty reporter in the snow (to presumably die of hypothermia?) and fucks off on this Kryptonian mother ship, talking to a hologram of Russell Crowe (oh dear!) and trying on (the highly modified) Red and blue costume (where's the fucking underpants you Warner Brothers arseholes?) What follows is a sickening montage of Superman learning to fly, that might have seemed twee, had the same montage been used in every fucking super-hero flick since Spiderman. But hey, at least we get to see some more exploding rocks.

 (Cilla Black)                              (Perry White)

Lois (sadly still alive) heads back to Metropolis to report her findings to 'Daily Planet' boss Perry White (an underused Lawrence Fishburne) and the irony of a 'Black' actor playing a character named 'White' didn't escape me (nor probably Spike Lee either)
Perry smells a rat, because the military top-brass have completely fled the scene of the mothership.

Anyhow, so far, so shit.

("We've only got three more flashbacks to film....then it's off to the Jobcentre for us two")

You'd expect that after such a lethargic, long-winded opening, that we're now going to see Superman save a cat from a tree.....Stop a few burglars.....or at very least, use all his powers to get Guinness back to £1.99 a pint in Lloyds, Middlesbrough?.......But fuck no! This is (quote) 'A New Kind Of Superman' so there's still several more flashbacks rather than any legitimate action. Anyhow, things look up a little as General Zod escapes his 'Phantom Zone' and heads to Earth, and wastes little time in hacking into every portable media device around the globe (cue, some lovely close-up 'product placement') The General demands that the earth hands over superman to him, or face genocide.  Rather than build on any of this tension.....we are still treat to more pointless flashbacks to Superman's childhood (wtf?)

 (Available in 128MB & 512MB, perfect for movie fans requiring little memory)

Given that this movie is called 'Man Of Steel'....Superman promptly shits his jumpsuit and surrenders (how pathetic!) and is forced to take Lois with him to Zod's space station. Apparently the 'Mong Of Steel' has become so used to the earths atmosphere, that he loses all his powers once aboard Zod's ship. It transpires that Zod want's to repopulate Earth with Kryptonians (wiping out mankind first) and holds a powerless Superman in space, whilst he heads back to earth for a spot of friendly genocide. Although unbeknownst to Zods cohorts, Superman has given Lois his Super-USB dongle, and she uses it to ressurect more holographic Russell Crowe (oh-the-fucking-joy!) as he guides both our intepid heroes back to earth to face Zod for a battle royal.

(Oh look, destroyed buildings...There's a one-off)

And if all before it, lacked rhythm or reason....the expected battle scenes between Superman and the Kryptonian bad-gays suck even more gayballs, by reducing what could have been spectacular, to mere shaky-cam (Transformers-lite) CGI rubble-fest. Even the FX in the 78 version are far more revolutionary for their time. Once you've seen 463 buildings blow up (brick by detailed brick) you've pretty much seen them all. And this sort of shit get's very tiresome quickly. At least in SUPERMAN 2, despite the flaws in FX, you could make out the action. In 'Mong Of Steel' everything moves at lightning fast 360 degree angles in (blink and you miss them) edits, which cheats the audience out of actually seeing the action. And so it follows that Zod get's thrown through a building....then Superman....then Zod....then Superman....then Zod.....then Superman....then Zod (zzzzzzzzz!) and for good measure, an old-age Diane Lane get's thrown about 30 feet in the air, only to be walking around (unharmed) in the next scene.

("Oh what an atmosphere...I love a planet with a lack of atmosphere!")


Zod starts altering the Earths gravity with (what scientists like to call) a huge fuck-off laser. Superman tries to approach the beam, but the Kryptonian elements weaken his super powers (I guess he took his own mothership to CEX whilst the trade-in prices were high?) Just as things look grim (and I don't mean the embarrassed look on Lawrence Fishburne's face) Good old 'Mong Of Steel' summons up the strength to fly into Zods laser (which sort of contradicts it's own logic?) and destroy the Generals chance of world domination. Finally getting the drop on Zod (who can't even muster the strength to kill a few people with his heat vision) Supermong has no other option to get all Seagal-like on the Terrence Stamp wannabe, and gives his windpipe the 'Rodney King Workout'

(Two examples of how show a fight scene, without having to hire Michael J Fox as D.O.P)

Now I'm all for broken necks and death (and kinky shit) but Superman actually killing someone (however bad) is just plain wrong, and one liberty too many with the Superman ethos. It wouldn't have been half as bad, if Zod had been potrayed as an all-out bastard (but the film-makers wimped out on that one also, and give him reasons and shit) It's also illogical, given that both men have punched each other senseless (with little damage) but Superman breaks his neck like a mere mortal would.

(Two things Superman should never do: Cry like a bitch & break necks)

Like the movie itself, it's hard to give a coherent synopsis for such a fragmented storyline. The first hour (despite lengthy CGI battles) is deathly dull. And by the time Supes and Zod finally square off, it's filmed so shoddy that the whole sorry affair seems anti-climactic.There's little sense of wonder or excitement to proceedings. It's merely an excuse for art-less computer geeks to try out a new software package (with the occasional actor thrown in now and then) Ironic then, that the (expected) game console tie-ins, will probably have better graphics than the movie, they're adapted from?

         (Lois Lane)                        (Madge from 'Neighbours')

Performance wise, only Costner walks away from this with his reputation intact (although I'd love to have seen his face, when he got the casting call for the new Superman movie....only to be told he'd be playing his dad!) Joking aside, the movie would have been greatly improved had Costner took on the title role, and played an older Superman.

(Superman)                                (Supermong)

Henry Cavill resembles the bastard love-child of (a straight) John Travolta and Jason Patric (but with better hair than either sibling) He has the perfect range to play an alien (i.e, not one iota of emotion) but still manages to fuck it up. He is also prone to pulling silly 'fuck-faces' during flying sequences (and why scream like a little bitch once, when four times will do the trick) Delivering his insipid dialogue with all the sincerity of a coffee-shop-manger (Christopher Reeve's decaying bones would have given a livelier performance)

(Dad Of Steel )                          (Glad Of Meal)

Russell Crowe still sounds Australian, and is probably under the misguided impression that he'll be likened to Marlon Brando (if so, he needs to catch the nearest bus to 'Getthefuckouttahere Street') The only thing he got right in the movie, was dying early on....Yet he still kept popping up!. This guy should be the highest paid actor *not* to appear in movies. He portrays an alien from a fictional planet, and guess what....HE STILL FUCKS THE ACCENT UP !!!
  He should be sent back to Britain's biggest open prison (i.e, Australia) ....and then shot!

 (Zod)                                           (Sod)

Michael Shannon (for all the 'Studio-Hype' and internet geek fan-fawning) comes nowhere near to matching  Terrence Stamp as General Zod. The naff costume, haircut and dialogue don't help his character either.   Zod is meant to be petulant and arrogant (that's his strength and what makes him such a hissable villian) instead Snyder tries to rationalize his motives, before veering off into predictable 'shouty' WWE histrionics. And (whilst we're at it) he's also an ugly Bastard!

Which brings me to the current trend (as with the likewise shite 'Nolan Batman Trilogy') as referring to these recent re-boots as 'Dark' In no way (shape or form) are these movies 'dark'.....They're about as dark as (a seamen-covered) Vanilla Ice working in a milk factory in Alaska (see above pic, for proof) If anything these recent 'dark re-imaginations' are a lot lamer than their earlier counterparts. Look at the two Richard Donner movies: Lex Luther for all his kooky excess, is not beyond murdering cops who trespass on his lair *and* General Zod gladly murders children and takes pleasure in shooting White-House staff with their own weapons (yet apparently these movies are seen as campy and dated?) The first 2 movies had a knowing cynicism and hard edge (that appealed to both children and adults) that seems to be missing in this movie. Maybe the film-makers don't trust their audience enough?

It breaks my heart that WATCHMEN (a genuine dark, thinking-mans movie) under-performed at the box-office, despite having the same director and working from the excellent established source material. Mong Of Steel was written by the guy responsible for writing DOLLMAN VS DEMONIC TOYS

If anything, 'Mong Of Steel' has helped me to appreciate 2006's SUPERMAN RETURNS. For all it's faults (and there's many) at least it kept Superman the way he should be...Virtuous, decent, romantic, heroic (and not some fucking hairy chested Johnny Knoxville-looking hypocritical Starbucks employee) I shudder to think how bad subsequent Superman movies will have to get, before I ever appreciate Mong Of Steel? 

Better to just re-release the first 2 Superman movies, thus forcing children to put down their fucking I-pads and watch movies that are (gasp!) 30+ years old (in a fucking cinema, with no fucking toilets and no fucking mobile phones allowed) It's sad to think that despite being born into so much technology, today's youngsters turn up their pierced noses at stuff, dare it be out-to-date. By and large, the majority of kids nowadays are nothing but little I-phone having, over-sensitive, metrosexual, gayly dressed, Call Of Duty playing, getting more trim than me, X factor voting motherfuckers (who say shit like "So-last-week".....whilst watching 'Catch-Up-TV')

You spend 75 years building up a huge character with it's own unique look, history and rules....only to completely re-vamp and change everything about it just to please little brats, who'll probably claim the movie is dated in 2 years time anyhow' (same goes with the Bond Franchise also......royally fucked!)
After such a long-winded (and badly punctuated) critique, trust Harry Callahan to sum up my feelings with a simple sentence:

Rant Over.

Dead Celebrity rape claim application form

JIMMY SAVILE: Guilty-No? Innocent-No? Dead-Yes!

Don't know about you guys (and gals) but my eyes and ears feel a little 'raped' over the non-stop allegations against (the STILL 84 year old) Disc Jockey/presenter/fund raiser Sir Jimmy Savile O.B.E.

 (I'll never forget when Uncle Jimmy 'put me up' for the night)

I personally think it's all bullshit. None of these claims were received until after the 'Exposure' tv show. Now it's one thing to say "Oh well, Jimmy Savile had serious clout with those in the know, and had the power to keep these things covered up" But...
Jimmy Saville had been dead, almost a year before the 'Exposure' show (which in itself, was an extremely padded affair, investigated by and featuring what seemed to be bitter people suffering from total recall) all of which (rightfully) caused 'Joe Public' to ask "Why didn't these people speak earlier?"

And considering there's now been hundreds more 'allegations' since the tv programme, only add more weight to the "Why didn't these people speak earlier?" question? But hey, let's hold an extremely one-sided case against a guy no longer on God's-green-and-blue-fucking-misery-orb, who needs (or even cares) facts, when we've got a never-ending parade of lurid tabloid headlines to fall back onto.

Have you read any of these allegations?

I thought the worst of such was reached with (quote) "Jimmy Savile molested a brain damaged patient in hospital"...But no.

It also transpires that (quote) "Jimmy Savile had previously groped Prince Edwards wife" and he (quote) "had his own set of gold keys to Broadmore" (being the latest)

I hope that people who read these headlines actually realise, that when you get given a golden key to an institution (or town) for your endevours, that the 'key' is merely a gesture and not a physical-fucking-key that actually opens any (or all) doors....you fucking dolts!

Of course, these allegations have seen the many charities, friends and families back away from his memory.....The label 'paedophile' can stick with a person and those around them (guilty or otherwise) and leave a lasting stench for a fair few ancestral lifetimes.

 These allegations are getting worse by the day (and speak volumes about the gutter-press, that choose to print such shite) and now it seems (as I predicted) people are attempting to take legal action against the BBC

WHAT THE FUCK FOR, I ASK?

Jimmy Savile is extremely dead. And I hardly think that 'Aunty Beeb' held you down, whilst 'Uncle Jimmy' went to work? Even if any of this bullshit is to be believed about Savile being too big to touch (every pun intended) then these same 'damaged' people had plenty of recourse to shout their points across at the many live televised shows  the BBC has done over the years.....But you didn't...Did you?

You could have shouted "Jimmy diddled me" on 'Multi-coloured Swap Shop'

But you didn't?

You could have rang Sarah Greene and announced that "Jim had fixed your piles" on 'Going Live'

But you didn't? 

BBC have televised numerous live sports events over the last 30 years, that you could have easily hijacked with your side of the story

 But you didn't? 

In fact, Mr Saviles extremely public funeral procession (which was full of 'soon-to-be-turncoat' celebrities, crying crocodile tears for generous Sir Jimmy) would have been the perfect platform to air your grievances

  But you didn't?

 

(Yet strange that the entire fucking nation took to the streets five minutes after DEIDRE BARLOW was sent to prison in Coronation Street in 1998.....Yet not one motherfucker ever made it to the press about the real-life crimes of Jimmy Savile during his lifetime?)

If Jimmy Savile IS guilty, then let's hang him (oops, silly me...he's already dead) Which makes the legal action, the allegations, and the endless newspaper headlines, a little bit like Jimmy himself....i.e, LATE!

The biggest crime being, that all his victims remained silent until now. Personally, I believe that these allegations are coming from people either too bitter, or fresh out of accident/PPI/Employment exemption claims, to exploit. 

"Paedophilia" ...more like "Necrophilia" to me

Stick to the Guinness (aka 'The Death Of Whitney Houston')

Before I go any further, I'd like to genuinely pass on my sympathies to Whitney Houston's family, at the news of her death.

I can (and do like to) crack a 'dead celebrity' joke as good as the next sick fucker, but what really offends me more than gags about the recently deceased...is whining fucking sycophantic celebrities, lurching out from under their (enforced) rocks, gloating on about how much they "Loved" or "Missed" her, in a vague attempt to get their ugly fucking faces in the newspapers just one more time.

As sad as Miss Houston's passing is, you can almost hear the greedy execs re-packaging another 'Greatest Hits' album...and not to mention, the obligatory D-list motherfuckers 'tweeting' their 'Tributes'

Here's a few of these bleeding heart bastards (in no particular order of punchability)

Kelly Osbourne



The utterly useless, gormless and pointless 'celebrity' shitbag Daughter' stated (quote) "I knew her personally and she was a really lovely woman"

Well you clearly didn't know her personally enough to help her throughout any of her (well documented) drug problems, did you? Maybe if you had, this "Lovely Woman" might still be around. And given that you're never off the internet posting shit to anyone that'll read it, when was the last time you actually 'tweeted' something about Whitney Houston before todays news?

And in a moment of touching self-sacrifice, she also tweeted "I'm not going to any pre-Grammy parties, as I don't feel it appropriate"

OMG..Miss Osbourne is actually sacrificing a night off free food and drink at parties she clearly has no reason to be invited to in the first place. How gracious of her (why did Mother Tersa ever bother?)



Simon Cowell



The (ahem) 'Music Mogul' (Robson & Jerome, anybody?) fought back the crocodile tears and added the heartfelt lament of (quote) "It's really, really horrible"
No fucking shit you oxygen thief, thanks for clearing that one up for us simple folks (not blessed with your 'straight-talking' talent) who obviously thought "It's really, really wonderful"...we know better now Simon....you fucking jumped-up midget tea-boy!



Rihanna



The Grammy-winning amazonian (i.e, Man-looking) singer/part time punch-bag, emoted "No words! Just tears"

I'd gladly sacrifice a 'Diva-A-Day' if it kept this over-exposed bitch, both quiet and crying?



Cheryl Cole



The Geordie songstress swept aside her tears (not to mention her award-winning fake-hair extensions) and dug deep into the dark pit of her emotional 'being' with (quote) "So Sad"



Rose West


(Unavailable for comment)



There's many, many more sycophants I'd love to name and shame, but at 39 years of age, my hatred-levels leave me weak. So although I never knew you Whitney Houston....Rest In Peace. Had you have NOT died, the lacklustre 'tributes' you've received today, may well have sent you on another crack cocaine binge (and possible coma anyhow?)

Whitney Houston......Great Singer......Bad taste in recreational activities.......Worse taste in so-called friends!

De Palma remakes HEAT (1986) with Jason-Fucking-Statham!!!!

I love the Burt Reynolds version. I also love De Palma movies.

But enough-is-a-fucking-enough!


But I wish they'd just stop remaking classics and sticking Jason-Fucking-Statham in them. He rarely convinces as a genuine tough-guy...but it doesn't stop hollywood hiring him to rape the memory of Carradine, Bronson...and now Burt Reynolds.
I actually like Statham (in a sort of Danny Dyer kinda' way) but 'muscles' don't make you a tough-guy, Jason mate.
I'm sure he enjoys the paychecks (and all) but even he must be pissed off at always landing second-hand scripts and concepts at the moment (and YES, i know HEAT is based on a William Goldman novel) But Statham is pissing all over what possible potential, he once had.

And thinking back to the (putrid) MECHANIC remake (which was cat-shit from a dog's arse) I'm guessing the HEAT update will be more of the same?



Although I'm sure it's target audience (i.e, 13 year old boys with wavey hair, 'jeggins' and mobile-phone-life-support-systems) will find it 'kick ass' enough to clog up the multiplexes (groan!)

For the record, HEAT (1986) is a masterpiece, that I've forced upon many a disinterested friend, over the years. Reynolds plays a world-weary tough guy, Nick Escalante, living out his later years as a bodyguard-for-hire in Las Vegas. All Nick wants to do is retire in Venice, but being a gambling addict doesn't help his financial problems. So things look up, when a wealthy young broker offers Escalante big bucks to teach him about courage. However, Nicks past catches up with him, in the form of a brattish mob boss...eager for Escalante's blood.

The remake (I'm 99% sure) will have a gayballs nu-metal soundtrack, a truck explosion, and another silly anglo-American-cockney accent from Statham.....Truly fucking sad times we live in!



Oh, and I can't wait for Tarantino to suddenly proclaim the 1986 version as his 'new' favourite movie of all time (leading to his fan-boys adding extrta revenue to this unwarranted remake)

Ha-Fucking-Ha!

I found it funny